Tim Farron reveals he’s stepping down as leader of the Liberal Democrats because of an abrupt intervention from God.
Four hours after the final election results came in, Farron told us God came to him in the drawer of a filing cabinet at his constituency office in Kendal. Farron Said
“I’d just come back tired and bog-eyed from the election results and saw smoke coming from a drawer in one of the filing cabinets. Not proper smoke but like smoke machine smoke, you know like you get on Stars in their Eyes? I thought I was going off me head with lack of sleep.”
“Anyway, I opened it and God’s head was looking at out at me. He told me to stand down as leader because I was getting in the way of eternal damnation. Turns out he’d damned us after the whole tuition fees thing in 2010. As me nan used to say, you can’t argue with God, so I just shut the draw and got the fuck out.”
That wasn’t the end of Farron’s intervention however. After finally resting to catch up on sleep, Farron explains he had vivid visions of hellfire and God’s voice telling him “it’s pointless”. He spoke of repetitive visions of two shitty sticks –
“I presume that means it’s pointless to be a Lib Dem and that no one will pick us up with two shitty sticks now. I’m just glad this happened after the election and not before, can you imagine trying to explain that to people? That woulda been a laugh. As me nan used to say, God works in mysterious ways.”
It is believed that after God visited Farron on that faithful day he had scheduled an intervention with Paul Nutall the following night to frighten him into never entering politics again.