An iceberg twice the size of Luxembourg has broken off in Western Antarctica because Theresa May cried. May told BBC Radio 5 Live’s Emma Barnett she shed “a little tear” when she learned the result of the election exit poll that suggested she’d lose her majority.
The tear, filled with the Devil’s rage and hate for Jeremy Corbyn, caused sea levels to rise and an instability in the movement of ice in the Antarctic peninsula so big it caused what experts are now calling “a big, fuck off ‘berg.”
Speaking about what caused the tear, May said: “It took a few minutes to sink in. Let the Devil’s rage run through my veins, work its will, then my husband gave me a little hug. I understood it may have consequences. This is why they won’t let me release emotion in public. Now you see why it was better for everyone for me to avoid those TV debates? All Corbyn had to do was mention my U-Turn on dementia tax and I would have poisoned the Thames.”
Professor Adrian Luckman, lead investigator of the MIDAS project and iceberg boss, said in a statement:
“We’ve been anticipating this for months. Every time Theresa May is put in a public debate, NASA’s Aqua MODIS satellite detects erratic behaviour in various ice shelves in the Antarctica Peninsula. We’ve theorised that all May’s emotions are chanelled from the second layer of hell – the River Acheron. This is where souls await passage into hell. If she cries, she does indeed cry a river – the River Acheron.”
We asked the professor what possible implications May negotiating Brexit deals would have for the planet. He responded “Fucked. We’re fucked. Apocalypse.”