Sir Vince Cable is back after being the only candidate mental enough to want to lead the Liberal Democrats. No other MP stood in the contest to lead the party after Tim Farron vacated the role because God told him to.
Sir Vince addressed his supporters, known as the “Cable-heads” outside his Richmond and Twickenham headquarters wearing a cowprint fedora. He said in a statement:
“I’m back bitches! I’m back to lash dead important documents in the wheelie bin again! Like I told those birds at the Daily Telegraph: it wasn’t just banter, I can bring the government down. I’m a nuke, baby. They better be scared. Now, any other female journalists wanna interview me? Be at my place at seven with some Grey Goose and a box of Cubans.”
He ended the press conference by abruptly dropping his mic and was later seen just before 7pm outside his home in Twickenham carrying in DJ Decks, fairy lights and a dartboard with Theresa May’s face on.