Satan revealed in a statement today that organisers of the failed festival ‘Hope and Glory’ have caused that much chaos and misery among ticket holders that it’s set in motion the end of days.
Speaking from the seventh layer of hell, Satan said:
“The chaos and level of customer complaints has created an energy so miserable that it’s broken the Seventh Seal. The trumpets went off and I thought ‘great, that’s come early, I thought I’d have to wait until the next British general election – give those lads the contract for the apocalypse.’”
Satan explained that it’s going to be a spectacular affair and hopes the organisers can live up to Hope and Glory’s expectations in providing the ultimate disaster.
“It will be named ‘Misery and despair’- more fitting than ‘Hope and Glory’. We’re going to make people pay for their own destruction in a garden setting filled with plastic flamingos. And no toilets – when they get to the front of the three-hour long queue they’ll find it’s not a real portaloo but just a picture of one. There’ll be a disturbing lack of bridge walkways and clowns instead of security guards. It’s going to perfect.”
He also revealed that once the apocalypse is over there’s a special place in hell reserved for H&G’s organisers for insulting Tim Booth.
Jesus Christ has since come out and said there’s nothing much he can do since the Seventh Seal has already been broken and the first trumpet has sounded. In an interview with the Magic Mirror he said:
“The Hope and Glory festival was foretold in the Book of Revelation. Visions of despair, Twitter kick offs and fake solicitors. There’s nothing I can do to stop this process now. It will proceed as predicted in the New Testament, but with old Testament Style destruction. There’s nothing down for anyone.”
Appropriately named band “The Rapture” will be first on without a soundcheck however the headline act still remain in purgatory.