Scientist pooh-poohs blood moon apocalypse as “wishful thinking”

Tonight’s lunar eclipse that will redden the moon is being heralded as a sign from God, according to some, that’s it’s time for the apocalypse.

Christian preacher Paul Baguette claims evidence for the end of days lies in upcoming astronomical events, global politics and natural disasters:

“It’s happening folks. Think of this as God’s traffic light. It’s a big red light over y’all telling you this world is about to stop. All these natural disasters we’re seeing are in three passages of the bible, including the Book of Revelation. I used to shout this at people on the bus but they didn’t heed the warning. I had much better luck with all that on YouTube.”

Pastor Baguette claims that the world won’t end too abruptly tonight but we should take it as the second coming of Christ:

“It’s not gonna be like ‘hey where’d my house go or hey, is that my truck being sucked into hell?’. It’s not gonna down like that, this is just the beginning. It’s a sign that this is the beginning of the end.”

When asked to comment on what would happen at the end of the end, he simply stated that we don’t want to know but it’s gonna be full of lava.

Planetary Scientist Dr. Michael Green at University College London has dismissed these claims as outlandish and said:

“The end of the world? Come off it. God would never do us that favour. If that was the case he would have put us out of our misery during the First World War, Second World War or when the Americans gave James Corden a career.

“There have been a lot of natural disasters, yes, but only because God loves having a bit of a laugh at our expense – ‘oh let’s send down a few storms and watch them give them names like Derek and Martha. That house they’ve paid for all their life? Let’s wipe it out in a freak mudslide’. If it is the apocalypse then bring it on, that’s what I say. It’s wishful thinking he’d boot us into touch so quickly.”

It’s not all doom and gloom however if you choose to read your horoscope. Astrologers and planet botherers predict that this is going to be a severe change for the good. Planet botherer Sheila Velvetcape said:

“This moon is turbo-charged for everyone, regardless of your zodiac sign – which is convenient really because it takes ages to figure out what positions the planets are in and how that affects whether your boss is going to sack you that day at work. It may make you want to have an emotional outburst but don’t! Because if you can ride it out it means at the end of it you’ll end up with all your shit together.”

Tonight’s total lunar eclipse will be the longest of this century beginning at 8:50pm. It will last throughout the night and no doubt cause some shit.

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